As I dragged myself into my home office that evening, I found
another stack of "To Do's". It stared at me with an
arrogance that knew that I just couldn't resist flipping on my
computer, checking e-mail, and going on and on with projects.
After all, my husband was out of town so who did I need to be
available for?
My kitty, c-A-t, meowed his desire to be in my arms, and that was
all it took. My heart melted and I suddenly realized that I had
to be available for ME. I threw my purse on top of the "To
Do's" and walked out of my office. I felt like an escaped
convict delighted yet confused by the options available.
For the next hour c-A-t and I wandered through my backyard and learned with
great delight that life continues to thrive through the harsh and
bitter moments of winter. Even with the absence of any attention
from me, my garden has continued to change and evolve. But wait
a minute, I thought I
had to be in control of everything! How could my bulbs break
ground without my noticing? I thought I had "To Do"
something to make that happen.
I mean, everything else in my life is dependent on me ... isn't
it??
c-A-t, who had been so attentive, now jumped out of my arms to
check out a spider dropping from a nearly plant. I realized then
that even though I play a part in other people's lives, I don't have
to feel totally responsible for everything they do. All is
exactly the way it is supposed to be, and all of life is experiencing
its own path. It's not my job to keep everyone's balls in the
air ... I can only juggle the balls that I can command and keep
afloat. And basically those balls are my thoughts, feelings,
choices, and perceptions.
c-A-t lost interest in the spider and came back to rub against
my leg. Yes, he is a precious part of my life that I choose to
focus on. I got up, went into my office, and rolled my "To
Do" list between my palms until it made the perfect
kitty-ball. Within moments, c-A-t and I were racing down the
hallway and playing keep-away with what once seemed so
important.
I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and excited to face
the day. My "To Do" list was jammed under the couch
but still salvageable. As I unrolled and flattened the paper,
the memory of the night before brought a smile to my face and it put a
fresh light on my long list of "To Do's". I picked up
my pen and wrote on the top of the crumpled list, "Be good to
myself" and "Take time to play".
All of a sudden my "To Do" list seemed much more
manageable.
