THE CHRISTMAS PENNIES©
Loucinda Jane Eppes
Dawn was about to break as I began my morning walk. The sky was
tinged
with a few streaks of lavender in a rose glow of the sun’s halo.
In the
mountains December is usually cold, but this morning it was brisk
enough for a walk that would be energizing and invigorating where I
could
arrange my thoughts for the coming work day. Early morning is
“my”
time to exercise the body, the mind, and the spirit. Still
recovering from
a cold, I had not planned on walking; however, my mind was going 90
miles a minute and I thought the exercise might have a calming effect.
Christmas was only two weeks away and the new year, with all of its
exciting possibilities of things yet to come, was fast approaching and
I
was not ready--yet. While walking I found myself reflecting on
the past
year. My life had not been too bad but then, again, it had not
been a
particularly good year either. I knew everyone had problems but
recently
I found myself frequently feeling overwhelmed and was trying to
understand why, but I had some ideas. Both of my parents had
been ill
and being one of only two children and in addition to living the
closest
and being single, I provided a good deal of support and care.
Their
illnesses and resulting frailty had made me realize that the time we
had
left together was limited. Not having a husband nor children, I
could
foresee a lonely future.
Further upheaval involved two of my closest friends. One had
relocated
to another state earlier in the year to take advantage of a job
opportunity
which would benefit her career. The other was making a career
change
which was not of her choosing. These changes would involve
restructuring the time we could be together. I wanted to support
my
friends as they had supported me in my time of need, however, in the
last
few months I had found myself unable to provide or receive much
support. Other changes were happening in my own work place.
In the
previous six or eight months my workload had continued to increase
without any corresponding monetary increase, and I had begun to
experience work related stress and resulting health problems. I
felt as if
my systems were shutting down.
So it happened that on my morning walk, I was not only feeling sorry
for
myself but angry because I was unable to talk truthfully of my
concerns
about my parents, work, or my deep loneliness. My Christian
upbringing
had taught me to “mind your parents,” "respect your elders
because they
know best," “if you can’t say something nice then
don’t say anything,”
and “it is better to give than to receive, for it is in giving
that we
receive.” I knew that God was suppose to always be
with us and would
never put more on us than we could handle; however, I found
myself
becoming weary of always seeming to be the one giving. At times
I
thought "How much more can I endure?" Why was I always
having to give
and give without being able to receive? I wondered when God was
going
to say “you have had enough!” I knew God’s grace was
suppose to be
sufficient for our needs and that we had been given free will;
yet, I found
my free will had taken a terrible detour. I believed I had made
a mess of
my life and felt desperately lost. By trying to do what I
thought was right
in caring for my aunts, I had given up any opportunity to have a
family of
my own and now foresaw a lonely future. I thought God had
forsaken me
in my time of need and wondered how I was going to go on. I felt
totally
alone, felt that no one really understood or cared what was happening
in
my life and felt desperately ashamed of the mess my life was in and
the
emptiness of my life. I felt such repugnance for myself that I
was unable
to bring myself to even talk about my emptiness either with my family
or
friends. Worse, I found myself unable to pray.
During my walk I happened to notice a penny on the sidewalk.
Without
thinking, I picked it up. A short time later, I found another
penny and
stooped to pick it up. Both pennies were heads-up and I knew
finding a
heads-up penny was supposed to be good luck. Suddenly, I
realized there
was a reason for my walk! God had not forsaken me, He was with
me,
and was telling me these were my "Christmas Pennies," a
special gift from Him to me. The pennies appeared to have been through
a great deal
as both were worn and tattered. Most people probably walked by
without
giving them a second thought, assuming the pennies were worthless. Although their value was only a penny, I realized that the pennies
were
still valuable and were worth salvaging. Perhaps I did not
realize that
even in the darkest of times everything had value and I began to think
that
I too had more value and was worth salvaging.
The comparison with human worth astounded me! Like me, the
pennies
appeared worn and tattered by life, but were nevertheless still
valuable. Those small coins were not separate from their usefulness and I was
not
separate from God’s purpose for me. Even though many people
had
probably walked by or stepped on the pennies without noticing them,
they
still retained their original value. When I felt alienated from
God, this
feeling was based on the idea that other people didn't notice me or
give a
thought to my value. And, just as I saw the pennies and realized
their
worth, I realized that my true worth was undiminished by daily cares.
While it might have seemed that a multitude of problems caused me to
feel small and lost and separate from God, my "Christmas
Pennies"
illustrated to me that I had not lost my value by years of daily
struggles.
Rather, my true value shone steadily through all the vicissitudes of
life.
This realization served as an inspiration, helping me to get back on
the
path to a useful life. Each one of us brings individual
qualities that are
needed to make the whole and I was a part of the whole!
Added to other
pennies, my "Christmas Pennies" had purchasing
power. I also had
valuable power. Even though the pennies and I were worn around
the
edges, we had many years of service remaining.
My “Christmas Pennies” had reminded me that I was valuable and
have a
purpose. I remembered how lucky I was to have the love of my
family
and friends, to have my health, a job, a home and the myriad of
blessings
that abounded daily that I had been taking for granted. They
reminded me
that life has many purposes and that God had never forsaken me.
By
inspiring these thoughts in me, my “Christmas Pennies” reminded me
that each of us daily impacts the future -- a future that, by valuing
the
importance of each individual in the world we inhabit, we make
more
secure.
My faith was once again renewed through my "Christmas
Pennies." They
reminded me that through good times and bad, no matter how lost or
valueless we may feel, God is always with us and never forsakes us . .
.
we just have to open our eyes, ears, and heart to his message.
The true
meaning of Christmas is that everyone has value and a mission.
The
mission is to see the value of ourselves and our fellow man.
This season remember that God loved us so much that He sent His
only
son to guide us, to give us His everlasting light. Illuminated
by this light,
we are compelled to love ourselves and one another.
The next time you happen to see a worn and tattered penny, please take
the time to stop, kneel down, and pick it up. Save the penny for
another
day and remember the many blessings, those that seem great and
especially the “small” ones we take for granted.
"This is my commandment,
That ye love one another, as I have
loved you."
John 15:12.
This occurred on December 14, 1995, I am writing this in June of 1996.
My life still has its ups and downs but when things get rough, I look
at my two "Christmas Pennies" hanging on my office wall and
remember their
meaning and soon feel the stress lessening. Since last December,
my
blood pressure is down and I feel better and I have found 34 pennies,
9
nickels, 8 dimes, and 4 quarters on my daily walk.
Loucinda Jane Eppes
